Why, yes... I am judging you.

Remember that post, slamming the person who just judged you? Guess what? It was judgemental, and you're judging that person for judging you.

Guess what else??

This post is judgmental too, because I'm judging you. I'm not slamming you, but I'm judging you.

Why???

Because I'm human. Humans judge. We make snap judgements about everyone, every day, all the time. It's a survival mechanism. It's built into our DNA. We ALL do it. What really matters in the long run is... what you do or say AFTER you've made the judgement.

Did you sit quietly, cursing under your breath, thinking how you'd do it better than the person you're judging?

Did you casually mention that you don't agree with whatever they're doing? Did you shoot them a scowl of disapproval or disdain, letting them know you were judging them?











OR...

Did you observe, judge, then think, hey... what if this life I'm judging were mine? How would it look if you were in their shoes? Did you continue to watch, then see something that made you re-think your initial judgement?

Did your initial judgement, subsequent observation and re-evaluation of the situation give you pause and cause you to change the way you do things in your own life?

Did your process, in the end, make you more compassionate, more understanding, and ultimately LESS judgemental of the other person?

Yeah?

Good.

Me too.

SOS: I need new music!

So, those of you who know me well, know I have a fairly eclectic taste in music.  I will listen to just about anything, and like almost everything from classical to jazz to funk and pop.  The only types of music that really don't push my buttons are rap, hip-hop and a lot of the super-poppy, "boy band" type music.


If you REALLY know me, you know that my CD player has held the latest from TRAIN for the better part of the last three years.  I'm not embarrassed to say, I freakin' love them and their music, and I'm perfectly happy to listen to nothing but Train and have them as the soundtrack to my life.  If I happen to listen to anything else, it's usually country or 80's - early 90's.

However, it occurs to me that there has been some good music (other than Train... *gasp*) to come out in the last decade, and I've largely overlooked it due several factors:

* Kids.  When you have kids, you tend to listen to "kid music".  And since I refuse to subject my own ears to anything with Barney or The Wiggles on it, my "kid music" collection consists largely of They Might Be Giants, Laurie Berkner, various Disney soundtracks and a smattering of other non-annoying, kid-friendly albums.

* Nostalgia.  Country music, specifically older country: George Strait, Alabama, Willie Nelson, The Eagles, Kenny Rogers, etc.  All remind me of a simpler time when I was a kid, and my family was a family.  I remember starlit nights out on the deck of my grandparents' lake house, with my uncles pickin' and singin'... or sitting up in my room with the radio on, playing Barbies and dreaming of the future.  


The 80's - early 90's music is nostalgic too, but for a different time.  Def Leppard, old-school Bon Jovi (specifically the New Jersey album), NKOTB, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany all remind me of junior high dances, which, despite the fact that I rarely got asked to dance by anyone still hold fond memories.  Anything "grunge" - Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Bush, Smashing Pumpkins... all take me back to high school and a time when a whole new genre of music was born.  That was pretty cool.

* Train.  That's it.  The previously aforementioned band with whom I've had a mild to moderate obsession since Meet Virginia hit the airwaves back in 1999.  It's fair to say the release of Save Me San Francisco pushed me over the edge from fan to superfan with one listen.  It's simply awesome, and if you've never heard the album, you need to.  If I had the means, I would follow their tour around a significant portion of the country, because they are fantastic live, and lead singer Pat Monahan isn't too shabby to look at for a couple of hours either.  


Now, I had a point in starting this post.... what was it???


OH YEAH!  New music.  I don't really know much about what's out there.  I hear what's most popular of course, because the rare times I do switch it to the radio in my car, they play those same 10-15 "hot right now" songs over and over.  Boring.  Says the girl who has already listened to California 37 well over 100 times in its entirety.  Yes, I get the irony... moving on.  


Now, I'm not completely clueless about today's music, and I am aware that there are other artists out there... some of my other current favorites are Jason Mraz, Colbie Calliat, Cowboy Mouth and Gavin DeGraw.  You just don't hear much of them on mainstream radio simply because they don't fall into that little box of big-hit money makers that radio stations play until we are all sick of them.


The ultimate purpose of this post was and is to seek the help of my friends, the majority of whom I know have fabulous taste.  So I'm asking YOU: what are you listening to?  Who should I be listening to?  Help me branch out a little, and broaden my musical horizons!  I've got a $3 Amazon MP3 credit (thanks to my friend Laura at Wheel N Deal Mama) and I want to know what I should spend it on!  Help me out here folks, and turn me on to some new music that I might not otherwise know anything about.  Leave me a comment here, and share your favorite artists / albums / songs with me!

Mid-Year Resolution

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  I feel like they set me up for failure, and that's not the way to start off a new year, is it?

But there are things I want to accomplish by the end of 2012, and since they say it helps to put them in writing, here goes: my MID-year resolutions (in no particular order).

1.  Be Positive.  There is so much negativity in the world right now, and sometimes it feels downright hopeless.  In the long run though, I can't do anything about anyone else but me, so for my own piece of mind, I will be positive.  I will look for the bright side of things, and remember that it could always be worse.

2.  Get Organized.  Yeah, I know, you've heard that one before.  But I'm doing it.  Slowly but surely, it's happening.  If it wasn't for the fact that I would be mortified to show anyone what it looks like right now, there would be before and after photos, but that's not gonna happen.  Probably.  That is to say, yes, I do have some before photos, but that doesn't mean I'm going to post them.  Doesn't mean I won't change my mind once it's all done and looking fabulous either, but for now, NOPE.

3.  Get Healthier.  I'm fortunate.  I'm pretty healthy, despite all the things I have done, and still do to sabotage myself.  My cholesterol is good, my triglycerides are fine, and except for the ongoing weight (lifestyle + thyroid) I'm doing ok.  I can do better.  A lot better.

4.  Prioritize.  This one is a challenge for me.  I tend to suffer from what I like to call "butterfly chaser syndrome".  Which simply means, I'm easily distracted.  When I clean, I'll pick up something that needs to go to the bedroom, and rather than return to the task at hand, I'll see something that needs doing in there, and start that, which leads to another room, then another... you get the idea.  Which leaves a whole house full of partially done chores.  Then the holes get filled, and I get overwhelmed and choose to ignore it until I just can't any more.

5.  Be Present.  Also a challenge for someone who has spent much of life either looking forward or back.  No more "what-ifs".  The past is the past; it cannot be changed.  The future hasn't happened yet, and ultimately depends on what you do in the PRESENT.  I look around, and I can hardly believe that my children are so grown now.  It's hard to grasp that it's July already!  Where did the last six months go??  Before I know it, these kids will be in high school, and I want to make sure we have a great relationship by the time they are.  And that means being present now.

So, there you have it.  Naturally, this isn't a complete list, but those are my top five.  I'm also not resolving to keep up with this blog any more, because it feels trite.  I like knowing it's here.  I don't know if anyone reads it except me, but hey, if not that's ok.  It's something I want to keep up with, and maybe that goes hand in hand with number four up there... making it a priority.  We shall see.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” ~ Steve Jobs

Blowing the dust off.... again.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions... well, I don't really believe in hell, except for the one we make for ourselves here on earth.  So, with that in mind, I'm pretty confident that my immortal soul is not in any real danger here.  

I had good intentions of keeping up with this blog on a regular basis, but as they say, life got in the way.  And it probably will again, but that doesn't mean I don't have things to say.  I've got ideas brewing, and I've even jotted a few of them down!

One of my biggest issues (aside from time and procrastination) is memory.  My mind seems to be clearest at the most inconvenient times.  Namely, when I'm driving, showering, or just waking up.  In fact, I have composed some of the most clever blogs, and well-written and thought out letters in my mind in those crystal clear moments just as I'm regaining consciousness first thing in the morning.  Unfortunately, once I fully wake, and my feet hit the floor, life gets in the way.  I have to actually start my day, and all those clever quips, poignant thoughts and reveries quickly disappear.  

I'm working on ways to keep from losing those moments, and will hopefully be able to carve out a few minutes (maybe even 30!) every week or two to commit to keeping up with this blog.  

There are lots of things I want to write about, but I probably never will.  For many reasons: they're private, and I don't want my personal life splashed all over the internet.  Fear of confrontation... there's a reason I never took debate in high school, or went on to law school; I don't like to argue, even when I'm pretty sure I'm right.  Fear of not being "liked"... granted, this particular fear dissipates with each year; as I grow older, I'm less and less concerned over whether or not you "like" me.  Finally, there are some things that I just won't post about, not because I don't care, or because I don't get riled up about them, but I really don't want to have THAT kind of blog.  There are plenty of those out there, and I'd rather this one stay fairly light-hearted, and more about my life and my thoughts on life, rather than stirring up controversy.

In the meantime, while I gather my thoughts (and try to keep them in my head!) and decide what to write about next, I'm going to go take care of some business around here.  Happy Sunday!  

Dear Grandmother,

Hard to believe it's now been two years since you left us.  A lot has happened.  Some good, some not.  Some things I know would disappoint you, but others I know you would be proud of.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could call you up, or come and see you, and tell you about the latest funny thing that Sarah did, or share with you how well Charlie is doing in school.  To have you share my excitement when I started my own business, or just to sit and watch a movie together.

October 2008

I will always be grateful for all the time I got to have with you.  You and I had a special connection, and that is something I take with me everywhere.  I'm even more grateful for the time that Charlie and Sarah got to spend with you, and feel a great sense of peace that they will remember you.  Not just in pictures or through stories... they remember spending time with you.

You were the most remarkable person I have ever known, and I know that nearly everyone who knew you feels the same way.  Your quiet strength, your grace under pressure, your enduring kindness and generosity... all of these made you an inspiration to many.  I know you didn't think you ever did anything extraordinary.  How many times did you tell me, "I just did what I had to do."?  But everyone who hears just an ounce of what you accomplished in your life, thinks you were amazing.  And so do I.

January, 2003

I miss you every day, but there are days when I know you are near.  Like last Christmas... we could all feel your presence that day.  I hope you got to see Charlie and Sarah singing their little Christmas songs.  They've grown so much in the last two years, Grandmother, and I know how proud you would be of how well they're both doing.  Still, I wish you were here.  I miss talking to you, I miss your sound advice on so many subjects.

As much as we miss you here, I know in my heart that you are in a better place.  I remember watching your face, and the peace that came over it as you slipped away from us.  Your gaze was so transfixed on something above us, that I have to believe there was someone there waiting for you.  I will treasure that moment just as much as every other moment I got to spend with you.  And I know too, that someday, you will be there waiting for me, with Granddaddy and Emma.

Until then, I will strive to be someone you would be proud of.  And not just because I'm your granddaughter, and you loved me.  But someone you would be proud to know, someone worthy of your respect and admiration.  I will carry you in my heart and my mind, because you were as smart as you were loving and generous.

Missing and loving you always,
Megan

Kathryn Alealia Chambers, six months old

Age sixteen

Kathryn Chambers Crouch Beilharz
March 23, 1920 ~ September 30, 2009
Always in our hearts

Remembering

Funny thing about time.  They say it heals all wounds, but I'm not sure I agree.  The passage of time may lessen the pain of loss, but I think there are some wounds that will never fully heal.  This time of year is hard for me, and I suppose it always will be.

Nine years ago today, I delivered our first baby.  Her name was Emma.  I don't have a picture of her.  I don't have her footprint or hand print, and I never got to hold her.  In fact, I chose not to even see her, a decision I sometimes regret, but am assured by those who did that it was the right decision for me.  And I believe them.  Our sweet baby Emma was born still on the first day of my 20th week, but we lost her a week or so before that.  By the time we knew for sure something was wrong, she was already gone.

It started with a routine test... that screening test that was supposed to rule out any possibility of a birth defect.  But instead, with one phone call, my world turned upside down.  The midwife told me my test came back "positive" for Trisomy 18.  She warned me not to overreact, and not to start looking things up on the internet, a warning I wished I'd heeded.  But as bad as Trisomy 18 is, what actually was wrong would have been worse.  When we went in for the ultrasound, and discovered she was gone, I had the amnio anyway, and I'm glad I did.  It told us what happened.  

A condition called Triploidy; our baby had three complete sets of chromosomes, not two.  A condition which usually results in a first trimester miscarriage, but is always fatal.  In rare instances, babies with this condition make it full term, and are even born alive, but it is a condition which is completely incompatible with life.  If there was anything to be grateful for in our situation, it was that we were not faced with a terrible decision to make.  The ordeal we went through was painful enough, and I cannot imagine coupling that with either the guilt of deciding to terminate, or the agony of continuing the pregnancy knowing what the ultimate outcome would be.

She was supposed to be born on our second wedding anniversary.  She was a surprise, but welcome nonetheless.  I remember being so excited, I couldn't help but buy a few cute little baby things, and going shopping for maternity clothes almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  In the back of my mind, I knew something wasn't right, but I pushed those thoughts away, thinking that every first time mom-to-be feels that way now and then.  Now I know differently.  Now I can recognize the difference between fear and intuition.

Sometimes I wonder, what if.  What if that extra set of chromosomes hadn't been there, and she'd developed perfectly normally?  I'd have an almost-nine-year-old, a 3rd grader now.  But, what if that meant we didn't have Sarah?  Clearly, that wasn't the plan.  I don't know why we had to lose Emma, but I do know we were meant to have a daughter, this daughter who is the light of my life.  And Charlie, old soul that he is, was meant to be the older brother.

Perhaps it was a lesson in humility.  Perhaps it was a reminder to appreciate all the gifts in my life.  Maybe Heaven just needed another angel... I'll never know, and I've accepted that.  Whatever the reason, and regardless of whether I held her in my arms or not, she is still my child.  I will always remember her brief existence, and hug my Charlie and Sarah a little tighter today.

Ten Years Ago...

Everyone who was alive and old enough to understand what was happening remembers where they were that day.  The date, and the details of that day are seared into our memories.

September 11, 2001.  

Just seven months earlier, I was on a beach in Mexico with my new husband.  Just a week or two before, I was on a plane, several in fact, heading to and from El Paso, Texas to visit my grandmother.  Plane trips were no big deal then, it was even fun.  Just four days before, Rob and I were up in a hot air balloon, a trip that had been postponed for over a year for one reason or another.  Looking back at those pictures, and seeing the time stamp on the bottom makes me realize how innocent we were before that day.  We will always look at any date prior to September 11, 2001 and think, "that was before our world was changed forever."

I didn't even know what was happening until after the second plane hit the tower.  I was at my desk in the sales office, which was separated from the rest of the offices in our building and for some reason, didn't have the radio on that morning.  My husband called me and asked, "Did you hear?  Two planes just crashed into the World Trade Center in New York!"  Stunned, I asked if it was an accident.  My husband said "they" weren't sure, but it didn't look like it.

There was a small television in the showroom, and that's where I found most of my coworkers.  We all watched in stunned silence as the twin towers, icons of New York City, burned.  No one knew quite what was happening.  Then the Pentagon was hit.  I was on the phone with my mother in Alabama when the first tower went down, and watched in horror as the second one collapsed a short time later.  Then the plane crash in Pennsylvania... the one that never made it to it's ultimate destination, but at the time, watching on the news, we didn't know about the bravery of the people on that plane.

In the days that followed, before air travel was resumed, the sky above our house was eerily quiet.  We live in close proximity to the airport here, and planes flying over our house was a normal daily occurrence.  But as strange as the quiet was, the noise of an airplane flying low overhead would for months bring anxiety.  Several months after the attack, we learned that the original plan was to devastate more cities, possibly including Charlotte, which is the nation's second largest banking city.  

Even now, ten years later, the pictures from that day are difficult to watch.  I've seen the 9/11 exhibit at the Smithsonian in Washington DC, a very sobering, sad and moving exhibit.  It's almost harder to watch those scenes unfold now than when it was actually happening.  We were numb from shock and disbelief then... now, we know what's coming.  

Still, I think it's important to remember.  Not only to honor those who were lost on that day, and not only to renew our sense of patriotism.  We remember to be vigilant, but not live in fear.  We remember to be present, and grateful, and thankful to be here.  We remember not only the tragedy, but the heroism, so that we can teach our children the true meaning of bravery.  

I still haven't found a way to talk to my children, who were not born yet, about what happened that day.  I know they have seen some images on the news this week, with the 10th anniversary looming.  But they haven't asked any questions, so I haven't offered any explanations.  After all, how do you explain evil to a child, who's mind is still innocent and pure?  Someday, I know I'll have to try.  

For now, I'll remember, as we all will, and try still to comprehend the incomprehensible.