"Nobody's Right, If Everybody's Wrong"

I've been mostly taking a break from social media for the last few months, but yesterday I decided to take a scroll through Facebook and see what I've been missing. 

What I found was a lot of different opinions, mostly respectful (because my friends are cool like that) and passionately defensive on one side or the other regarding the latest episode of drama swirling around the POTUS, the American Flag / National Anthem and the NFL. 

I've largely stayed out of any political conversations since the election, mostly because I was tired. Tired of arguing, tired of listening to / reading about politics and seeing how divisive the topic had become. I'm still tired. I can't stand to watch most news programs... I dislike the spin and can't stand the rhetoric, so I've consciously tuned a great deal of it out. It's one of the reasons social media and I are on somewhat of a break. 

This particular subject however, is an intriguing one to me, so here I am, throwing in my $0.02. 

Let's start with a few FACTS:

1. The American Flag was created as a symbol of our nation. The current version of the Flag consists of: Thirteen stripes, red and white, representing the original thirteen colonies (the red represents hardiness and valor, the white, purity and innocence), a field of blue (representing vigilance, perseverance and justice) and 50 white stars, representing each of the 50 states.

2. The Star Spangled Banner was a poem, written by Francis Scott Key, inspired by his first-hand account of a decisive battle during the war of 1812. Later, it was set to a popular tune, and though popularized by the military as a patriotic song, was not selected as the official National Anthem of the United States until 1931.

3. The tradition of playing The Star Spangled Banner at sporting events actually precedes its being named the National Anthem, and became popular during sporting events during and after WWII.

Now, no one disputes facts, right? Wrong. Actually, I don't believe the facts themselves are ever in question, but rather someone else's interpretation of the facts. Nevertheless, here are just a few more facts:

4. The Department of Defense has paid national sports teams and leagues MILLIONS of tax-payer dollars since 2012 to put on patriotic displays at their games. 

5. The United States Code contains specific instructions on the proper manner of flying the flag, as well as proper behavior of citizens (military and civilian) and non-citizens with regard to respecting the flag and the National Anthem. It does NOT impose any penalties for misuse of the flag (each state has its own flag laws).

6. The First Amendment protects citizens from government imposed religion and restrictions on speech. It protects the rights of citizens to peaceably assemble (protest). 

About that last fact... the First Amendment restricts what the government can do... you cannot be arrested and prosecuted simply for saying something or writing something, or for demonstrating in a peaceful way. It does not say anything about protecting one who is speaking and writing and protesting from one's employer. Unless your employer is the government, you still have to abide by their rules and policies, or risk losing your job. Period. 

Now, with all that said, and all those facts laid out, I'll get to my opinion. Which is, as some of you might expect, not cut and dry, black and white, left or right. I can see both sides of this argument. I understand the root issue of how these protests got started. I understand the feeling of those who say these protests are disrespectful. 

Based on everything I know, the research I've done, and in part because of how I was raised, my position is that our Flag and the National Anthem are symbols of patriotism, and are due respect. To me, they do not represent the brokenness of the country as it is today (and it is broken), but the history of resiliency for which our country is known. The pride I have for my country is not based on the behavior of its elected officials; it is based on the ideals and principles on which we were founded. The ideals and principles (freedom being the biggest one) for which so many have fought and died.

Not everyone feels that way. Not everyone views the symbols of our flag and anthem in a positive light. To some, they represent a country that has failed them, and continues to do so. We are failing as a nation... failing to listen. Failing to hear. Failing to treat others with respect, even when our opinion differs from theirs. 

I stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance at every Girl Scout meeting, have guided my troop to learn how to perform a proper flag retirement ceremony, and am working with them to perform a proper flag presentation ceremony. They are learning respect for our country and its flag, as it was taught to me. However, should one of my girls feel compelled not to participate, I will honor that. If the subject ever arises, I will have a respectful conversation with the girls, and listen to their opinions and feelings. And I will respect their choice to participate or abstain, as that is their right.

I will continue to honor my country's symbols and I will continue to respect another's right to feel differently and protest peacefully. I will stand, hat in hand, hand on heart and be thankful to live in a country where we are afforded the right to show our patriotism in that fashion, or by abstaining.

The beauty of living in a country where individual freedom is valued and protected is that your words and actions cannot be penalized by the government, so long as your actions don't infringe on the rights and freedom of others. The Supreme Court, in 1943, struck down an effort to compel students to stand and recite the pledge of allegiance in schools, or face expulsion if they did not. In that decision, Justice Jackson says, "To believe that patriotism will not flourish if patriotic ceremonies are voluntary and spontaneous instead of a compulsory routine is to make an unflattering estimate of the appeal of our institutions to free minds." Forced patriotism isn't something to celebrate; freedom is.

I don't have to like the manner in which these protests are carried out. I don't have to like the fact that the president keeps stirring the pot with his name calling and inserting himself into situations over which he has no jurisdiction. I don't have to agree with either side of the argument. But I believe I have an obligation to listen to all sides. I will research, and learn about history, and decide for myself what I believe is right. And I will respect any other human's right to speak their mind, even if I disagree. 

All day long, a couple of different songs have run through my head. Both seem especially timely today, so I'm including them here. I pray that we can all listen with open minds and hearts to others who may not always see things the same we do. Maybe by listening, we can begin to heal.

Fifteen Years

It's always hard, this day. Some are years worse than others. This seems to be a tough year, although I can't quite say why. 

Fifteen years later, it's no longer the raw grief of recent loss. It's more like the dull ache of a pain that never really goes away. It flares up now and then. Always now. It's hard not to dwell on it, the significance of this day, this week.

Strangers can't tell; outwardly, I go on like it's any other day. I laugh, I smile. I'm cordial and polite. And, even today, if someone asks me how many children I have, I say two. With a pang of guilt, because that's a lie. I am a mother of three children, not two. 

But that nice person I just met, who is just making casual conversation, doesn't need to know that. And I don't want to have to explain. I don't want to make them to feel bad for asking, or listen to the uncomfortable stammer of someone who doesn't know what to say, because they've never been through it. Or force someone else to relive their own pain by sharing mine, because they have been through it. 

I still have moments of wondering why. I'll never know the answer. All I do know, is that for whatever reason, she was never meant to be mine here on earth. Things would be so different... Charlie might not have come along when he did. Sarah might not have come at all. And I do know I was meant to be their mother. I can't imagine my life without them. And they are who they are, in part because of who I am. Who I was when they came along. And I wouldn't have been the same without the loss of Emma. 

The hospital calls what happened a "missed miscarriage". Three weeks later, it would have been called something different. It would have been called what it was to me, which was a stillbirth. She was my child. She lived and grew just enough for me to feel her move one time. I heard her heartbeat, just once. And then she was gone. I went through hell that week, being induced, and delivering in a remote room of the maternity ward, far enough away that I didn't have to hear the joyful chime that rings out each time a new baby is born. Leaving that hospital feeling empty and alone.

Nothing fills the void left by the loss of a child. There is no time limit on grief. It's okay not to be "okay". It's okay to talk about her. It's okay to not talk about her. I sometimes feel guilty when I don't talk about her. Sometimes I still cry when I mention her name. Sometimes, that's why I don't mention her name. Can't mention her name. 

Today, I haven't said her name out loud. I probably won't. Yet, I've thought about her every minute, and could not stop my mind from going back to that day. I've thought about the fact that she would have been a freshman in high school this year. I've wondered what she would look like, or what type of personality she might have had. She was not meant for this world, but she was meant for me, for however brief a time. 

Emma Grace was my daughter. She was a gift I couldn't keep, but I hold her in my heart.

Could we start again, please?

"I think you've made your point now
You've even gone a bit too far to get your message home.
Before it gets too frightening, we ought to call a halt.
So could we start again please?"

     ~ Andrew Lloyd Webber, Jesus Christ, Superstar
It was ugly. It was nasty. It was cruel. It was divisive. It was negative, with very few exceptions. And not matter what, half the country was going to be upset, disappointed and angry. No matter what, half the country was going to "lose".

Some of us were going to feel that way regardless of which candidate won. Some of us, who could not stomach a vote for either major party candidate, no matter how "important" this election was. Some of us, who knew that their candidate was a long shot, but it was the only choice we could live with. Some of us, who are now being blamed for the outcome because their candidate didn't win. That is the only thing about this election with which I'm going to take issue.

My choice to vote third party was not a protest vote. My choice to vote third party had nothing to do with thumbing my nose at the system, or attempting to break up the two party duopoly. My choice to vote third party was not what cost Hillary Clinton the White House. My choice was the result of years of looking outside the mainstream media for unbiased sources of information on every candidate. It was the result of feeling that neither major party platform adequately represented my views. It was the result of actively seeking out a party and a person that I could agree with enough to support.

I've been called foolish. I've been called stupid. I've been called naive, even dangerous. I've been told I don't matter. That I don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth. And if you're sitting there thinking to yourself that you've never thought those things about me, consider what you've posted on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or even said in conversation about third party voters. I am a third party voter, and I stand by my choice. I saw so many people complain about their choices, then refuse to acknowledge there were more than just two. I saw so many people say they were voting for A to stop B, or vice versa, and refuse to even look at C or D. But never once did I say that any of you were foolish or stupid or dangerous for not looking beyond the two parties.

I've seen friends on both sides calling the other side nasty names, questioning their intelligence, morals and integrity because of who they supported in this election. They may not have called anyone out by name, but by simply posting an article or meme lumping all Clinton supporters, all Trump supporters or all third party supporters into one basket and painting them with a broad brush, you don't have to name names.

I'm not foolish or stupid, naive or dangerous. I do matter and I do care. I care enough to do my research and draw my own conclusions. To think for myself. To listen with an open mind to criticism as well as praise. To acknowledge other points of view and agree to disagree when necessary. I'm looking for people who are going to protect your right to say whatever you want, even when I disagree. I'm looking for people who are willing to admit when they are wrong, own it and make changes. I'm looking for people who are in it for the good of every citizen, regardless of their personal beliefs. I'm looking for idealism, courage and strength.

If you need a group to blame, look to the 46.6% of eligible voters who didn't turn out. The ones who didn't take the time to educate themselves on their choices and make their voices heard. Don't get me wrong, if you don't educate yourself, I don't want you voting. But the fact that nearly half the country didn't bother to even try? That's where the anger should lie. That's where we need to start seeing real change. Instead of asking people who they voted for, ask them if they voted at all. If not, why not? But don't blame me for doing my research, and voting my conscience.

There are more than two sides to every story... there is a middle ground where we must come together. Hate, anger and pointing fingers will not change anything. Now is the time to move forward and look for avenues of change. But don't just look for change for the sake of change... that's how we wound up here! Stop looking to politicians and government to make things better. I think if this election proves anything, it's that Americans are fed up with government the way it is. Government is not the answer to our problems, we are. WE are the change. WE elected these people; they work for US. Don't just get angry and involved every four years when it's time to elect another president. Stay involved now, and demand that our elected officials (whether you voted for them or not) do their job, as outlined in the Constitution.

I am not naive, but I am idealistic. I'm also a pragmatist and a realist. I know that not everyone is going to agree with my point of view. That's okay. We don't have to agree to get along. But we do have to have respect for one another. We do have to have patience with one another. And we do have to open our minds and our hearts to each other, listen without judgement, and work together to make our country sane again. I hope you will join me.

I'm growing!

It was a craptastic morning.

Literally. Craptastic.

Because the dog is sick. And she's been getting sick all over the apartment, and waking us up to go out and be sick, only this morning, she didn't. She just couldn't wait, and I came out to the overwhelming unpleasant odor of... sick.

And I was going in to volunteer at school, so I needed to get myself ready to go, so when I went back into the bedroom to get ready, I was more than a little peeved to find one of the cats on my bed. Attempting to cover the fact that she'd just peed. ON. MY. BED.

Then I knocked a full cup of ice water off the bathroom counter as I started to put makeup on my face, breaking the cup and flooding the floor.

And when I got home from the school, I knew as soon as I walked in that Caroline needed to go to the vet. As I cleaned up the latest round of sick, getting ready to take out the trash and venting to my friend on the phone about the craptastic morning that wasn't over yet, I realized... my kids can't eat lunch today.

Because in the midst of all the crazy, I decided they could just buy lunch. But, I have no cash. And I forgot to write a check. So, I changed all the scents in my warmers, started another load of bed linens, hopped back in the car and dropped off a check so my kids can eat.

But... I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. This is just the backstory. In the past, this would have all been dumped onto Facebook. In real time. As it happened. And as the thought occurred to me to share my craptastic morning with the world, in real time, so all my friends could "ew" and "aw" and "yuck" right along with me, instead, I heard John Denver in my head... "Some days are diamonds... Some days are stone... Sometimes the hard times won't leave us alone..."


So I posted that. And I was calmer. I wasn't happy about the events of the morning, but I wasn't going to bitch about it either.

In truth, my kids helped too. Because as we got into the car to go to school, the boy said something like, "Well, it's going to be a bad day." And I stopped. And thought for a second. And replied that it would only be a bad day if we let it. But that I was choosing to wipe the slate clean, and start the day from RIGHT. THEN. Forget the craptastic morning, and start over.

Well, that was easier said than done, considering that the craptastic morning did not, in fact, end with the ride to school. But it was done. Eventually.

Now, HERE'S the growth part...

It was enough not to complain about the craptastic morning. But not only did I not complain, I chose to look on the bright side. I had to look hard to FIND the bright side, but there was one.

The bed, for instance. If I had not been volunteering at the school, I would not have walked back into the bedroom at the time I did, and the cat pee would have soaked all the way down into the mattress. But it didn't.

And the dog. My poor old dog, who apparently has an intestinal parasite. She has meds now, and is getting a home cooked meal of chicken and rice, which I'm sure she'll consume with gusto. But if it weren't for the craptastic morning, I might have waited another day to take her to the vet, and she would still be suffering.

Finding the bright side of the craptastic morning. That, my friends, is growth. For me.

Why, yes... I am judging you.

Remember that post, slamming the person who just judged you? Guess what? It was judgemental, and you're judging that person for judging you.

Guess what else??

This post is judgmental too, because I'm judging you. I'm not slamming you, but I'm judging you.

Why???

Because I'm human. Humans judge. We make snap judgements about everyone, every day, all the time. It's a survival mechanism. It's built into our DNA. We ALL do it. What really matters in the long run is... what you do or say AFTER you've made the judgement.

Did you sit quietly, cursing under your breath, thinking how you'd do it better than the person you're judging?

Did you casually mention that you don't agree with whatever they're doing? Did you shoot them a scowl of disapproval or disdain, letting them know you were judging them?











OR...

Did you observe, judge, then think, hey... what if this life I'm judging were mine? How would it look if you were in their shoes? Did you continue to watch, then see something that made you re-think your initial judgement?

Did your initial judgement, subsequent observation and re-evaluation of the situation give you pause and cause you to change the way you do things in your own life?

Did your process, in the end, make you more compassionate, more understanding, and ultimately LESS judgemental of the other person?

Yeah?

Good.

Me too.

SOS: I need new music!

So, those of you who know me well, know I have a fairly eclectic taste in music.  I will listen to just about anything, and like almost everything from classical to jazz to funk and pop.  The only types of music that really don't push my buttons are rap, hip-hop and a lot of the super-poppy, "boy band" type music.


If you REALLY know me, you know that my CD player has held the latest from TRAIN for the better part of the last three years.  I'm not embarrassed to say, I freakin' love them and their music, and I'm perfectly happy to listen to nothing but Train and have them as the soundtrack to my life.  If I happen to listen to anything else, it's usually country or 80's - early 90's.

However, it occurs to me that there has been some good music (other than Train... *gasp*) to come out in the last decade, and I've largely overlooked it due several factors:

* Kids.  When you have kids, you tend to listen to "kid music".  And since I refuse to subject my own ears to anything with Barney or The Wiggles on it, my "kid music" collection consists largely of They Might Be Giants, Laurie Berkner, various Disney soundtracks and a smattering of other non-annoying, kid-friendly albums.

* Nostalgia.  Country music, specifically older country: George Strait, Alabama, Willie Nelson, The Eagles, Kenny Rogers, etc.  All remind me of a simpler time when I was a kid, and my family was a family.  I remember starlit nights out on the deck of my grandparents' lake house, with my uncles pickin' and singin'... or sitting up in my room with the radio on, playing Barbies and dreaming of the future.  


The 80's - early 90's music is nostalgic too, but for a different time.  Def Leppard, old-school Bon Jovi (specifically the New Jersey album), NKOTB, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany all remind me of junior high dances, which, despite the fact that I rarely got asked to dance by anyone still hold fond memories.  Anything "grunge" - Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Bush, Smashing Pumpkins... all take me back to high school and a time when a whole new genre of music was born.  That was pretty cool.

* Train.  That's it.  The previously aforementioned band with whom I've had a mild to moderate obsession since Meet Virginia hit the airwaves back in 1999.  It's fair to say the release of Save Me San Francisco pushed me over the edge from fan to superfan with one listen.  It's simply awesome, and if you've never heard the album, you need to.  If I had the means, I would follow their tour around a significant portion of the country, because they are fantastic live, and lead singer Pat Monahan isn't too shabby to look at for a couple of hours either.  


Now, I had a point in starting this post.... what was it???


OH YEAH!  New music.  I don't really know much about what's out there.  I hear what's most popular of course, because the rare times I do switch it to the radio in my car, they play those same 10-15 "hot right now" songs over and over.  Boring.  Says the girl who has already listened to California 37 well over 100 times in its entirety.  Yes, I get the irony... moving on.  


Now, I'm not completely clueless about today's music, and I am aware that there are other artists out there... some of my other current favorites are Jason Mraz, Colbie Calliat, Cowboy Mouth and Gavin DeGraw.  You just don't hear much of them on mainstream radio simply because they don't fall into that little box of big-hit money makers that radio stations play until we are all sick of them.


The ultimate purpose of this post was and is to seek the help of my friends, the majority of whom I know have fabulous taste.  So I'm asking YOU: what are you listening to?  Who should I be listening to?  Help me branch out a little, and broaden my musical horizons!  I've got a $3 Amazon MP3 credit (thanks to my friend Laura at Wheel N Deal Mama) and I want to know what I should spend it on!  Help me out here folks, and turn me on to some new music that I might not otherwise know anything about.  Leave me a comment here, and share your favorite artists / albums / songs with me!

Mid-Year Resolution

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  I feel like they set me up for failure, and that's not the way to start off a new year, is it?

But there are things I want to accomplish by the end of 2012, and since they say it helps to put them in writing, here goes: my MID-year resolutions (in no particular order).

1.  Be Positive.  There is so much negativity in the world right now, and sometimes it feels downright hopeless.  In the long run though, I can't do anything about anyone else but me, so for my own piece of mind, I will be positive.  I will look for the bright side of things, and remember that it could always be worse.

2.  Get Organized.  Yeah, I know, you've heard that one before.  But I'm doing it.  Slowly but surely, it's happening.  If it wasn't for the fact that I would be mortified to show anyone what it looks like right now, there would be before and after photos, but that's not gonna happen.  Probably.  That is to say, yes, I do have some before photos, but that doesn't mean I'm going to post them.  Doesn't mean I won't change my mind once it's all done and looking fabulous either, but for now, NOPE.

3.  Get Healthier.  I'm fortunate.  I'm pretty healthy, despite all the things I have done, and still do to sabotage myself.  My cholesterol is good, my triglycerides are fine, and except for the ongoing weight (lifestyle + thyroid) I'm doing ok.  I can do better.  A lot better.

4.  Prioritize.  This one is a challenge for me.  I tend to suffer from what I like to call "butterfly chaser syndrome".  Which simply means, I'm easily distracted.  When I clean, I'll pick up something that needs to go to the bedroom, and rather than return to the task at hand, I'll see something that needs doing in there, and start that, which leads to another room, then another... you get the idea.  Which leaves a whole house full of partially done chores.  Then the holes get filled, and I get overwhelmed and choose to ignore it until I just can't any more.

5.  Be Present.  Also a challenge for someone who has spent much of life either looking forward or back.  No more "what-ifs".  The past is the past; it cannot be changed.  The future hasn't happened yet, and ultimately depends on what you do in the PRESENT.  I look around, and I can hardly believe that my children are so grown now.  It's hard to grasp that it's July already!  Where did the last six months go??  Before I know it, these kids will be in high school, and I want to make sure we have a great relationship by the time they are.  And that means being present now.

So, there you have it.  Naturally, this isn't a complete list, but those are my top five.  I'm also not resolving to keep up with this blog any more, because it feels trite.  I like knowing it's here.  I don't know if anyone reads it except me, but hey, if not that's ok.  It's something I want to keep up with, and maybe that goes hand in hand with number four up there... making it a priority.  We shall see.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” ~ Steve Jobs